As an officiant, I've presided over weddings large and small, formal and casual...some have included kids, and some have been adult-only affairs. For some folks, there's nothing more adorable in their minds than tiny boys and girls all gussied up to participate in a wedding. Their cherubic faces, frilly dresses or adorable little suits, flowers all around, perfectly coiffed and angelically behaved...that's the fantasy everyone wants to achieve, am I right?
A fantasy....yep. That's exactly what it is. When it comes to planning our weddings, we tend to have amnesia about what little goblins kids can be, especially when they're expected to dress up, look nice, and behave. So, what to do? Well, there are two ways to approach this. You can decide not to include kids in your wedding and miss all the adorable moments like your favorite niece forgetting to drop flower petals until the end of the aisle and then dumping them all out at the altar; your matron of honor's son tripping and sending the ring pillow flying...or you can accept the fact that kids are gonna be kids, and they're gonna do kid things like trip or have a meltdown. Kids do best in weddings if the following plan is in place:

• Have a rehearsal and make sure they know what they're supposed to do and when.
• Make sure they are well-rested and fed before the wedding.
• Let them know it's okay to be nervous, and that everyone there is going to love and adore them even if they mess up
• Don't expect too much from them if they're under 5 years old. Chances are they've never done this before, and they have no idea what the big deal even is.
• Have a point person (who is NOT another member of your bridal party) that they know and trust to act as their "handler" to help direct them during the ceremony...preferably someone equipped with a cell phone on silent so they can play a game after they take their seats.
• Don't make them get dressed until JUST before the ceremony. Fancy clothes are cumbersome for littles, and they will get fidgety if they have to be dressed up and sit still for a long time.

Now...on to the next item: how do you tell your friends and family you want a kid-free wedding and reception?
Let's face it...kids running around, talking and squealing during your ceremony, needing to be entertained during your reception...it's not everyone's cup of tea. Sometimes you just want a little adults-only time. Totally understandable. You might be planning a quiet ceremony and you don't want it ruined by someone's toddler going Fukushima in the back row. Or you might be planning an epic throwdown reception with an open bar and a badass DJ...do you want your sweet little 9 year old niece or nephew there watching your groomsmen dry humping their girlfriends on the dance floor, or watching you and your new spouse chugging from a beer bong? Not to mention...can you afford extra plate dinners for your cousin Mandy's five kids? It's not like they're going to eat what you're serving, anyway...unless you're having chicken nuggets and PB&J catered.
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The best way to have a kid-free wedding is to politely and clearly word your invitation to that effect:
"We have reserved __ seats in your honor"
"Please join us for an adults-only night out"
"We invite you to celebrate with us at our wedding, followed by an adults-only reception"
Sure, there will be haters.  Some parents have a hard time leaving their kids, and that's okay. They can see the photos later and congratulate you.  But chances are...if they're like me, they'll relish an opportunity to go have a good time sans kiddos. Some of us need an excuse to make a date night with our spouse, and what better way to reconnect as a couple than to enjoy dinner and drinks with beloved newlywed friends?  So if you're hesitant to say no to inviting rugrats to your big day, don't be. It's YOUR day, after all, and if your guests want to enjoy it with you on your terms, they'll show up! 

Whether you're planning a huge shindig or an intimate affair, your guest list is one of the most important things you'll have to consider when planning your wedding.  If you've got lots of money saved up (or lots of help paying for your big day), you may have no problem with inviting everyone and their dog, but if you're like me and budget is a factor, chances are you're going to want to keep your guest list relatively small.  As I suggested in my previous post, the guest list will be what determines the size (and in a lot of cases, the location) of your wedding venue, so you need to put this at the top of your to-do list. 
But it's easier said than done...and it never fails that there will be someone who wants an invite. Or someone who is invited but wants to bring more people with them. 

So what do you do? You can't possibly accommodate everyone, especially if you're serving a plate dinner at upwards of $20 per plate. You need an "A" list and a "B" list. Your "A" list consists of the people you wouldn't dream of not inviting: parents, siblings, besties, you know, the people to whom you're closest. Add to that their plus-ones, and their kiddos (unless you prefer a kid-free wedding--I'll cover that in a future post). Your "B" list is the people whom you'd like to attend, but your feelings won't be terribly hurt if they can't make it: coworkers, friends you only hang out with on occasion, extended family, work clients, et cetera, and their respective plus-ones.  This is where you have to get your parents and future in-laws involved. Chances are, they have a few folks they'd like to invite, and these people are reserved for the "B" list. You may have to put your foot down about which list people go on, though, especially if you're on a tight budget or if your preferred venue has limited capacity. 
When people hear you're getting married, they're happy for you. They want to share in your joy, and they want to be there for the party. Keep that in mind--most people are there for the party. They'll endure your ceremony for the promise of some good food and drink and having a good time on the dance floor in nice clothes. Yes, they're genuinely happy for you, but they're happier about having a reason to party down. Who do you really want to party down with? That's your "A" list. Who do you not mind seeing you cut loose and have a good time on the best day of your life? Invite those people. As for Susie from third grade or Bob from three jobs ago or that one girl you met at your bestie's Pampered Chef party...not so much.  When they ask about their invite, instead of being snarky and telling them straight up they're not invited, I offer you these words: "Due to limited space, we're keeping it very small...but we'd love to get together with you sometime after the honeymoon!" And leave it at that.  They'll either get it, or they won't. 

Whether your engagement was planned and discussed ahead of time or (like mine) a huge surprise, you may be a bit overwhelmed with what to do now.  DON'T PANIC!  First things first...relax and enjoy being engaged.  It may not feel much different from "going steady" at first, but trust me, it is.  Your future spouse has just made a HUGE commitment to you.  Take a deep breath and just enjoy it for a while.  You're not in a hurry, right?  Unless you are. I hope you're not.  

Seriously, slow down and savor the time with your intended.  Enjoy that feeling.  Get excited, yes.  Do some planning, yes.  But DO NOT get in such a hurry that you end up making costly mistakes! 
The first thing you want to do is discuss with your partner what their wedding vision is, and work out a timeline.  Do you want to have an elaborate affair with lots of friends and family?  If your answer is yes, you're gonna need to take some serious time to get it all together (not just the planning, but in all likelihood you're gonna need to get some funds together, too).  Most engagements nowadays are at least a year and a half in length.  Some even stretch out to 2 years or more.  And THAT'S OKAY!  You're planning on spending your lives together, right?  Take some time to plan out your big celebration and do it up right!  Even if you're not planning a large fairytale wedding, taking a year or more to just be engaged is highly advisable.  My fiance proposed just before Christmas 2018.  Neither of us wants a big ceremony, so in all honesty we could go right down to the court house right now and grab a license, ask a friend to sign it (I know a few other officiants who'd love to), and be done with the whole thing. BUT!!! Just because we don't want a big ceremony with lots of people doesn't mean we're ready to jump into marriage right this instant. We DO want a small ceremony with our kids and immediate family. We DO want to celebrate and have dinner with them.  We DO want to then spend the weekend away, relaxing.  And even just those small things require money and time to prepare.  So we set our date for August 2020.  Just over 18 months should be plenty of time, and it works for both of us.
Take your time and pick a date that makes sense to you, and keep in mind that some dates are much more in demand than others, when it comes to vendors and guests' availability.  Once again, the more lead time you have, the better.  Vendors typically book up to two years in advance.  It's May 2019 now, and I already have bookings as far out as November 2020.  Keep that in mind.  In this area, May and October are the busiest two months for weddings.  If you want a wedding during one of those months, chances are you're going to need to look into booking some of your vendors (and your venue!) pretty early on. With booking comes deposits.  Deposits cost money.  If you have to change your date for some reason, you might end up losing your deposits, so consider your date very carefully.  
Next, you're going to want to figure out a rough headcount of guests you'd like to invite BEFORE you put down a deposit on a venue. You don't want to book a small-ish venue and then end up finding out there won't be enough seating for all of your guests. That could result in some hurt feelings when you realize you're going to have to pare down your guest list. 

So have a heart-to-heart with your sweetie and start making your guest list. DON'T announce your wedding details all willy-nilly.  That's just asking for people to start hounding you about why they haven't gotten a save-the-date or an invitation.  What if it's already too late, you ask?  Well....that's for the next blog post.

So here's where I clue you in on what will be the main focus of this blog.  Newsflash...it's going to be about the many, many choices we all have to make when planning a wedding.  And there are a LOT of choices, from the most intimate elopement ceremony to the biggest, flashiest wedding.  Where to have the ceremony? What to wear? Who to invite? Musicians or DJ? Sit down dinner or buffet? Veil or no veil? Bridal party or no? So. Many. Decisions.

I'm not here to tell you which decision is correct, because honestly...it's YOUR wedding.  The decisions you make are yours to make.  I'm just here to help you make informed decisions. Etiquette isn't about rules...it's more about guidelines.  Suggestions.  You get it.  No one knows your situation better than you, right?  If you wanna have a pinkies-out ceremony with all the frills, it's all good!  If you wanna get married in Realtree camo in the back of a muddin' truck, you do you! What matters at the end of the day is this: you'll be married to the person you love.  How you go about doing it is 100% your choice.  Stay tuned for some interesting (and sometimes inflammatory) topics....congratulations on your engagement, and best of luck!